Serenity Now!

In 1999 I worked as a bill collector for Sears. I was on the phone all day trying to get people to pay for huge home improvement bills like siding and roofing. Most of the time, when people refused to pay, it was because there was a dispute. One guy wouldn’t pay because when the roofing job was being done a board fell from the roof killing the family dog. Another woman wouldn’t pay because (I swear to God this is true. No one could make this up) she blamed Sears for cutting a hole in her roof and letting a homeless man sleep in her attic. “I can hear him up there right now,” she would tell me. “I think he’s having a fight with his mother.” When I asked her why she didn’t just call the police, she said she did. “But all they do is come let him out to feed and then let him come back!” Poor Hattie, may she rest in peace.

Anyway, suffice to say that these were pretty in-depth phone calls. I had to be on my toes always. The problem was, about that time I began to get very tired and not just from speaking to crazy people all day. I would get so sleepy, I would fall asleep in the middle of collection calls. Sometimes I would start dreaming and respond to people in very weird ways. Once, I was talking to a guy trying to get him to at least make his minimum monthly payment. “I don’t have them money right now!” he yelled at me. “What are you gonna do? Come take the siding off my house? Go ahead! My pit bulls’ll deal with you blood-sucking…” Whatever.

In my half dream state, I mumbled something about garage sales and shiney, pretty things. He hung up on me. Man, I don’t even like garage sales! That’s when I knew I needed to see a doctor.

My doctor referred me to a sleep specialist who scheduled me for a split-night sleep study in the hospital. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, which means I stop breathing when I’m asleep. Half the night I slept normally (if you count being hooked up to electrodes normal) half was with a CPAP (continuous positive air pressure) machine. The findings were rather shocking. According to the results, I quit breathing and average of 82.6 times per hour with an average duration of 28.1 seconds. The longest apnea (continuous period of time when I did not breath) was 80.6 seconds. Yikes! No wonder I was so damn tired.

Since then I have been sleeping with a CPAP machine, which means I am hooked up to this machine that forces enough air through my nose to keep my airway open. Basically, I look like this when I sleep:  

Okay, so that’s not exactly how I look, but it’s definately how I feel. This is how someone looks when sleeping with a CPAP machine. **Disclaimer: this is not actually me**

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Good God, woman! No wonder you’re not married!” I agree. Who would want to go to sleep with, let alone wake up to such a foul sight? Not me! The possiblily of falling in love with someone just to find out, down the road, that life with him would mean waking up every morning to a vile nightmare is unacceptable. I can not imagine taking that risk, which is why I’m not married. What other reason could there be?

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